This post was composed on December 20, 2010, just days after completing my final exams for the semester. The experience of taking the exams sent me reeling...actually, the entire semester sent me reeling. At any rate, I will also post some more current updates, but thought I'd share this very frank evaluation from me in the meantime, albeit a little after the fact.
"I apologize for the very long interval since my last post. If I remember correctly, my last post was about midterm time, before I completely lost my mind. I'll try to update you, briefly, about what has transpired since then, but it might take more than one post to do it.
"Well, midterms really sent me for a loop. I had two midterm exams that I did very well on, but I also wrote a paper for my Patristics class that I was not happy with the grade I received at all. By 'not happy,' I mean 'devastated.' The rest of the semester has followed in much the same vein, of one insult to my ego after another. In a way, it's almost comical. Last week I was talking to a fellow seminarian about the experience of trying so hard and not ever being the best, and he said it has been a humbling experience for him. "It's a fine line between humbling and humiliating," I replied, "and I'm on the wrong side of it these days." I don't mean to be dramatic, but it's true. The most prevalent lesson I have learned (am still learning) so far is that I'm not the "best" anymore. And I can't even hope to be here. My classmates are professional runners, renown musicians, published poets and novelists, not to mention some of the nicest and most interesting people I've ever met. I've got nothing on that. The picture on my Facebook profile says it all: "Mediocrity. Because you are going to suck at it anyway, you might as well stay in bed." I'll be really frank about this whole thing. Yale makes people crazy! It's one thing to read about these polymaths in magazines and see them on television, but to have to compete with them in class is another thing altogether. It really only makes matters worse that they are all so nice. You can't even hate them!
"Well, enough candor for one post. Hysterics aside, this place is really tough. I have never worked so hard in my entire life, and its not like I've spent a lot of time resting on my laurels. Hard work is brought to a whole new level here. I always thought that my "best" was really pretty good, but it's only marginal here. And my "very best" is still nowhere near the top of the class. I'm holding out hope for me "very, very, very best," but that might be grasping at straws."
