A couple of weeks ago, February 7th through the 11th, was a "reading week" at YDS--a week in which no classes are held. The title is a bit of a misnomer, as very little reading was done for most of us who are also part of the Berkeley community. The fist year, Junior class, was on "retreat" at Holy Cross Monastery for three of those days, and the Middler class was on retreat for four days. The retreat promised to be a time of relaxation and rejuvenation, apart from the everyday routine of being a student, wife, mother, friend, cook, errand runner, and cleaner, but as a student, wife, mother, etc., the demands of those roles did not pause for my retreat. I was well aware of what I was not doing all the while I was gone. Still, the monastery was beautiful and I did really enjoy myself. However, panic set in as soon as I returned and was facing two paper deadlines the following Monday. The feeling of impending doom that I had tried to forestall during my time away became a deluge when I got back. I prayed for guidance, and ended up doing something I never thought I'd force myself to do--I asked for an extension from each of my professors. And, by the grace of God and the kindness and understanding of my professors, I was given extra time to complete my papers. I was so relieved!
I wasn't just relieved of my stressful deadlines, but a larger burden seemed to be dislodged in my small act of supplication. I was forced to throw aside my pride and admit my need for help. It felt a bit like ripping off a band-aid, but my relief far outweighed the image I feared I had lost. As I have shared with you my plight with perfectionism, I thought I'd share with you my small victories as well. I feel like everyone wants to give me a way out because I am trying to go to graduate school and raise a family, among the many other roles I fall into. In a way, I have interpreted this as an implicit assumption that I can't possibly do everything well, and then taken it as a challenge to prove everyone wrong by excelling in every area I can. But it's tiring. Furthermore, it just isn't a space in which you can grow. By definition, perfection cannot improve--it's changeless. But I want to grow, and I want to be transformed.
While perfection is tiring, imperfection is uncomfortable. I'm uneasy imagining doing something that's just "good enough." But in reality, I believe that "good enough" is better than "best." Voltaire, in his great wisdom quipped, "the best is the enemy of the good." No matter how you put it, perfection threatens goodness in so many ways. Perfection is always relative and subjective, but goodness is an absolute value. Few people will agree on what is best, but many will agree on the more important quality of what is good. Good encompasses a wide enough range that many things fall under its purview, but isn't so broad that it becomes hard to distinguish from the things that are not good. Working hard and learning are good, but who is to say how that is measured? Does the best grade mean you worked the hardest and learned the most? Moreover, the best is such an illusive thing that its pursuit can sometimes lead you to chasing after white rabbits. But I don't think God is hiding down the rabbit hole.
So where is God in all this? I have found God in so many places--but none so meaningful as my relationships with others. I have had some delightful, unexpected days with my kids during some of the many snow days we've had this year, and Eli and I even went out for a delicious dinner with some fabulous friends a couple of weekends ago. And while I miss my many friends from Salt Lake City, I have met some remarkable people here that I am truly blessed to know. We have dinner with friends regularly, and I have many fascinating and enjoyable conversations at lunch or coffee hour with many of my colleagues. And, thanks be to God, I have a fabulous friend whom I do a lot of studying with, which makes spending an entire Saturday at the library so much more bearable.
This is what good is. These growing friendships and special moments with family are little graces from God whose good can't be measured or graded. God is good. In the end, the papers that I received extensions on aren't perfect, but they are good enough. Living life is what's really good! Thanks be to God.
