Midterms!

All good things must come to an end.  Thus went the novelty and excitement of seminary, leaving instead a corpus of sleeplessness, stress, and a very messy house.  Yes, it's that time of the semester, when the fun of attending class lectures and lazily reading away the day gives way to the pressure of producing evidence of your knowledge and thoughts, concisely, systematically, and eloquently.

The view from my reading carrel in the library

There are many ways I've seen of dealing with this pressure.  I had a friend once who said her apartment was never cleaner than when she had a final to write.  Some prefer to put off the writing and studying, preferring to do it with the excitement of procrastination.  Of my classmates, several have been traveling this week, and others have been enjoying some relaxing time in the absence of classes (it's "Reading Week" so there are no classes this week).  I, on the other hand, have been holed up in the library or planted at my desk at home trying to elucidate the meaning of Origen's On First Principles while formulating some thesis with which to actually start writing my paper.  And for some reason, although I feel like I know the text inside and out, and I have truly enjoyed learning about the "rule of faith" that Origen prescribes, I have had the damnedest time trying to figure out what to write about.  Consequently, I did not actually begin writing my paper until yesterday morning.  Sixteen hours later, I have only written about half of it, but have outlined the arguments for the rest of the paper. 

In the meantime, the house has fallen to pieces, which I think is alright since all the kids went to bed happy and fed, and at least the dishwasher was run.  Picking up the pieces after I return from my little midterm hiatus will be a whole other project to undertake, one which I will celebrate as it will mean the majority of my immediate demands have been met.  Until then I am left to wrestle with the work that needs to be done, and the stress of having yet to finish it.  I am reminded of Sisyphus, who rolled a boulder up a hill over and over again for all of eternity.  Likewise, once the midterms are over, its just a short while before the same stresses and expectations will resurface in the culmination of final papers and exams.  After Christmas break, it will all start again, ad infinitum until I finally graduate.  I hate to mention it, but that's still three years away.

OK, I've painted a rather grim picture, and I really don't feel as dismal as this might sound, but the weight is heavy indeed.  This feeling is a familiar one, though, as I am remember its ebbs and flows from my undergraduate days, which were not altogether too long ago.   But here is the saving grace.  Whereas I was always concerned with perfection in my undergraduate years, because I knew I would be judged by my work when applying to graduate schools, I no longer have this expectation.  Here I am! And God (and perhaps my husband) forbid that I should suffer need of another graduate degree after this one.   What a relief.  Not that it doesn't matter at all, but it matters more what I get from what I am doing in the here and now, than what it will afford me in the future.  Almost simultaneous with this epiphany, I realized that this isn't an all or nothing proposition (you all might be shocked to know that I am a bit of a perfectionist).  If my midterm Patristics paper, or my Old Testament exams don't garner the highest grade available, it is still possible to do well--and that might in fact be good enough.  This last part is harder for me to embrace, but I'm working at it. 

Origen writes, "Every mind which partakes of intellectual light ought undoubtedly to be of one nature with every mind which partakes in a similar manner of intellectual light." (the highest intellectual light being God) So, onward toward the light go I.